She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
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