just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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