Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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