I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize