We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
