C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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