Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
