i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
