I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
