We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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