he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
