walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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