clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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