I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
