Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
