i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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