I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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