my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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