i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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