So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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