Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
