I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
