Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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