It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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