lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I need to sanitize my soul.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
