I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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