Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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