I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize