Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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