I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
