Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
