i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
