my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
