Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
