I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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