If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
