upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize