Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
