Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
