First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
