shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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