ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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