I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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