your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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