I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
