dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
