i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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