i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
