you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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