Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
