Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
