I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
