My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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