If i come over, it means nothing
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Randomize