don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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