You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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